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By Michael LaRocca
You can get cuddles whenever you want them.
You yowl loudly if your litter box is not clean.
You yowl loudly at the full moon.
You yowl loudly for no reason.
Ping Pong balls!
You find yourself bathing Daddy every day because he doesn't know how to clean himself.
You don't understand the language that your pet humans use, but you always know when they are talking about you.
Daddy won't change the weather no matter how many times you tell him to.
Sleeping near the air conditioner is always bad, no matter how hot the weather is. It's better to curl up under a lamp in the hot summertime.
You are always on the wrong side of any closed door.
Strangers invade your home and you can do whatever you want. You can sniff them, you can let them rub you, you can purr and cuddle in their laps, you can protest their presence, you can cuddle Daddy, you can cuddle Mamma when there are too many males in the flat. This is your home; they are only visitors. Meow!
You often get uncontrollable urges to bolt around the house at 3AM yelling meow meow at the top of your small but impressively powerful lungs.
You prefer even your water to have a tuna flavor.
I eat therefore I am.
Lying atop the bookshelf, which is very tall, gives you an excellent view of everything that happens in your flat.
Acrobatic leaps that make the rest of the world sick with jealousy.
Your pet humans can sleep through alarm clocks and train wrecks, but not through the siren that is your voice. They wake up, feed you, and sleep through the rest of the day. Who cares if they sleep, as long as you are fed?
You feel an irresistible urge to get inside a cupboard as soon as it's open and remove any articles of clothing from their hangers.
You love climbing into any drawer that those fools carelessly leave open.
You know how to open an inkjet printer and watch the black plastic things move, even though you haven't quite been able to bat one yet. But one day, you know you will.
Bug hunt! C'mere Daddy! Bug hunt!
You like it when people knock on your head.
You have an amazing variety of sound effects that cannot be reproduced phonetically.
When you are watching birds out the big window, they try to attack you.
You have the uncanny ability to vanish whenever you want. And nobody can find you no matter how hard they try, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
You can eat all the tins you want. All! Just say meow and more food magically appears.
You talk whenever one of your pet humans goes to the toilet. You feel an obligation to yowl on their behalf, same as you do when using your own facilities, because for some strange reason they lack this ability.
The computer is a friendly animal that purrs when you cuddle it.
You attack funnel web spiders on the television screen.
Sometimes you stop talking in the middle of a sentence and wash your leg or your naughty bits.
You are always right, no matter how bad you are.
© Copyright 2004 Michael LaRocca
|Michael LaRocca's free weekly newsletter, WHO MOVED MY RICE?, is not about cats. It's about his life as an English teacher in Shaoxing, China. But it does include many stories about Picasso, the lovely Calico cat he rescued from the Hong Kong SPCA. http://freereads.topcities.com/archive.html|
|Mad About Books ( http://freereads.topcities.com/archive.html ) is a free weekly newsletter to help you publish your writing. It'll also tell you about my experiences teaching in China.|