The Joan Collins of the cat world, she's a beautiful bitch. About as feline as cats get, very disdainful when she wants to be, very ignorant, affectionate only when she wants something (or she's caught off guard) and loves to sit in the highest spot in the room.

Her best friend is our dog, Jack, who gets her affection whether he wants it or not, while the rest of us beg for the occasional cuddle.

Her favourite treat is to be allowed in bed, at which point she becomes most affectionate and kneads the duvet like mad... Then her head starts to droop and before you know it, her nose is on the duvet and she's "podded herself to sleep"

Her favourite game is ' chase scrunched up rizlas' - this will keep her amused for hours. She's a champion huntress and is most indignant whenever her live prey gets rescued before she gets a chance to finish it off. She's a beautiful little girl and despite her inability to commit to the relationship I love her dearly.

The other cat in the third photo is Minky. She's nearly 12 and is the product of a brother/sister relationship, so she's not quite right in the head. She's very dopey, dribbles a lot, but is the sweetest old thing in the world and loves a nice cuddle.

She's like your favourite old auntie, who'll always greet you with a wet kiss whether you want one or not. She's learned that when I switch the kettle on, this means I will make tea, and therefore get milk out of the fridge. So, whenever the kettle gets switched on Minky emits this bizarre noise which I swear sounds like "Miiiiilk!"